Muahaha… yeah, I’m in a weird mood… not really knowing where my life is headed makes my head spin and feeling like God keeps throwing me curve balls makes it even more so.  Sometimes it’s difficult to decipher what God is telling me from what my unconscious is telling me.  Like, who puts these thoughts in my head?  Who decides who I should be attracted to and to what extent?  My heart and my brain are playing tug-a-war and I know I’m going to get hurt if my heart doesn’t shut up.  But aren’t I supposed to let myself get hurt sometimes?  Well some situations are different than others.  You can’t change how you feel, but you can change what you think.  Falling for someone unattainable has been one of my downfalls in my love life.  I don’t know what it is, but I just cannot win when it comes to my heart sometimes.  My problem, I think, is my passion and how quickly I rush into things without really knowing anything.  Part of me is telling myself that this tug-a-war thing is good, I need to make friends with people, establish friendships before being interested in a guy as more than a friend, but that’s so difficult for me and I think God is pulling out the training wheels for me to take the whole friendship thing for a spin (again).  Did I ever tell you how long it took me to learn to ride a bike?  I just couldn’t do it.  I was so afraid of falling and getting hurt that my younger sister learned to balance before me.  That’s what’s wrong with my relationships.  I find it really difficult to balance and tend to go about it wrong.  Then, there’s not the right balance and I freak out that I’m falling and someone’s going to get hurt and I just pull myself away which eventually makes the landing much less hard since I basically jumped off (sorry bike!).  It might be experience that scares me, it might be thinking history keeps on repeating itself, or it might be all the distractions that are holding me back.  Whatever it is, it’s made this difficult for me.  Then again, I know that when the time’s right, my Father will let go and instead of falling down, I’ll just keep peddling.  But first, I need to learn how to balance.  Balancing has never been easy for me, I am such a klutz, it’s a wonder I don’t fall more.  That being said, this is going to be hard on me, but if it’s what God wants, then I have to do it.  I need to be a friend, I need to learn about a person, and I need to really love their soul and entire being so that I know I could love him forever.  That person might not be easy to find, but I’m on my way.  As always, I’ll be here, thinking way too much, and trying my best to get to know people for who they are, the way that God knows and loves them.  That’s all for today’s rambles…hope y’all weren’t too bored…

Peace, Julez

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About Juli

I received my B.S. in Counseling and Human Services and a minor in Theology and Religious Studies and my M.A. in Organizational Leadership in Higher Education. Through a strange twist of fate, I ended up in the Human Resources field and at a company that I really love. I'm not much of a writer because I tend to write how I talk and when I tell stories I tend to ramble and tell way too many details. I love writing though because it's fun to get all my thoughts down. I also love drawing, I love photos, and anything artistic really.

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